I’ve been absent from my blogging “duties” for almost five days now and I am not okay with it. I miss it! This is the first time I’ve sat down in front of my computer in awhile and I’ve been so over-the-top scattered brained that it took a good while before I could get caught up on where I left off. Terrible, right? I have a couple of blog posts written that I want to put out there, but I feel the need to explain myself a bit first.
Remember when I told ya’ll that I was going to be starting a job? Well, it has begun! It’s a lot of fun especially due to it not being a high stress job. This is great because I do not need anymore added stress in my life. Stress has been all consuming lately, and it’s wearing me out. I thought having a part time job would be fun, and it partially is. However, when we get home from working, I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to finish the laundry that’s pilling up, I don’t want to mop the floors, clean the bathrooms, wash the dishes, I don’t even want to take our dogs for a walk! Which is something I usually really don’t mind.
When I get home from working, I’ll I want to do is sit on our super comfy couch and refrain from moving any part of my body. I tried sitting down as soon as I walked in the door from work one day, and I immediately had to get up. I cannot stand living in a dirty house. My husband likes to remind me that it’s not THAT bad and it won’t take THAT long to get cleaned up. However, when I look at the mess in each room, I see it so much differently than he does. I see the trash overflowing which makes me think our house is going to eventually start smelling, I see the leftover chewed pieces of dog bedding all over the living room, I see a dirty sink filled with toothpaste stains when I brush my teeth, I see a messy bed that looks uninviting, I see the dirty dishes, pots and pans, and immediately I go into panic mode.
I fully believe that I cannot relax until I am pleased with how our home looks. That I cannot relax my body, or mind for that matter, until everything is put in it’s place. But instead of just taking one task at a time, I look at all of it, and I usually burst into tears. I can no longer sleep at night because I am constantly worried about Kevin. I wake up many times during the night to check on him. Once it hits 7:00 AM and the dogs are whimpering to go outside, my brain instantly kicks into overdrive no matter how much I slept the night before. I no longer have to roll out of bed, but instead I hop out like an energizer bunny on steroids. I take the dogs out, get them fed, I get myself ready, start the coffee, clean whatever dishes were left from the night before, make Kevin a satisfying breakfast, clean up, and by the time I’m ready for my coffee or breakfast it’s time to head out the door.
I have realized that I’m constantly running. I’m worried about too many people, too many things, and lately it’s so consuming that I’m actually burnt out. I went to go clean our horrible, messy garage a few days ago, and I instantly burst into tears. There’s so much to do, so many things that I’m carrying on my shoulders that I’m officially wiped out and overwhelmed. I can’t sleep anymore, if anybody says something to me in the wrong tone it’ll set me off, and the more mess there is to clean the angrier I get. Lately I’ve been feeling sick because of all the things I feel like I have to get done NOW.
In reality it doesn’t all have to get done instantly. Kevin has reminded me that I’m working, and when I come back with “not a lot.” He gently reminds me that I am working all the time. I’m a full time wife to my husband that as of right now needs my care, I’m a full time mommy to two needy pups, I’m a “chef,” a “maid,” and I provide the love to those who I care about. Not to sound conceited but I’m the glue that holds our tiny family together (Kevin agrees), and not to mention I’m the walking, talking calendar that keeps us straight. It’s as if I’m a phone that sets off notification reminders throughout the day. It’s quite annoying!
He reminds me that it’s a lot, and it’s okay to be exhausted, but that I do not have to stress over anything. When something gets done, great! If it can’t get done right away, it’s okay. I’m reminded by my husband to “take a deep breath and relax.” I’m reminded by God that He’s there for me.
1 Peter 5:7 – Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
I’m human. We’re all human, and I am currently reminded that can’t do it all. I’m going to get behind on “chores,” I’m going to forget about pulling the chicken out of the freezer for dinner, I’m going to have to leave dishes in the sink, and sometimes we’re going to have to crawl into a bed that’s not made. That’s life. I’m learning how to cast my worries and anxiety onto God, and I’m learning from my husband to relax and not worry about everything all at once. He’s been helping me out some too with keeping the house together which has been wonderful.
So there you have it! A recap of my first week of “real” working since January! Needless to say, I feel guilty for not working on my blog. Only because I love it and it’s a stress reducer. I feel bad that we’ve had to eat out three times this week. THREE TIMES! I feel bad that our dogs are left home alone more. I feel icky because I haven’t had time to exercise all week and I’m so tired and wired at the same time that it’s making it very hard for me to relax and get my mind together.
However, I’ve been reminded by a friend to give myself some grace. It’s okay that I haven’t worked on my blog, and it would have been okay if I took another week off from writing. Yet still, this is a new learning process for me and I’m going to have to make some new goals here soon. (More to come on that later.) I’m in the process of getting used to the new job, and I’m working on getting myself back on track all the while learning to breathe and relax.
Do you ever feel like this? Ever feel like you’re trying to take on the weight of the world? How do you relax? Let me know 🙂