There is was it again, this feeling of uncertainty and regret bubbling up inside me. I’m not talking about the kind of regret you have like being on a diet, eating a candy bar, then feeling as if you should have had the apple instead (duh). I’m talking about something much larger. A feeling so powerful that it has a sour impact on your mood that could last for days.
I’m not sure the exact age but I do remember being very young and knowing that Florida just wasn’t the right state for me and that feeling of fleeing, leaving everything I knew behind only grew stronger as I got older. I’ve always wanted to travel, to see new things, to go someplace where the seasons consist of more than just hot, bearable, extremely hot, and then back to hot again. Most people think of Florida as a place of paradise. I mean what more could you ask for? A beach is always about 30 minutes away, Disney World is in your backyard, and you can wear flip flops year round. Eh, well I got bored of Disney, beaches are too hot for me as I can never seem to stay hydrated, and for once I wanted to try wearing boots on my feet.
When I was just starting college I wanted to go this school in California that offered a home decorating degree. However; due to me starting college very early on I felt as if I was too young to leave, not to mention the out of state tuition cost is enough to make any parent pass out on the floor. Nobody knew of this secret desire of mine because I felt that staying in Florida was just how it was going to be for the rest of my life and I have always tried very hard to put it in the back of my mind. My family is here, true friendships, boyfriends, school, and work was enough to take my mind off of leaving the state. That was until I met my husband. The thought of leaving Florida had seemed to leave my mind until opportunities seemed to arise.
Bless his heart he has done everything in his power to make sure we have a good life, that our future family will be set for years to come, and he has always put my happiness first. Since the three years of being together we have had so many job opportunities (I’m not talking like one or two, I’m talking near 20 different opportunities to come and go) to which I thought we’d get out of this unbearable state.
Alas, every time it seems to just slip through our hands and we go through the typical stages of being sad, to taking is as it is, and finally just letting it go. However; this last opportunity seemed to almost break my heart.
Kevin was given a job proposition, a chance of moving to Texas and then being sent to Chicago which we would have then called our new home. Once again, like a broken record, it fell through.
Most times I like to blame God for giving me this strong desire to just not be here, then filling my mind with all the grand adventures that could be happening, to all of a sudden slamming the door in my face like some big joke. This seems to be a thing I struggle with on my own. I know deep down my husband doesn’t want to leave his family and friendships but he would if it would mean giving us a better life. I sound extremely selfish don’t I? I mean what kind of person would want to just up and leave everything behind for what, a change of scenery or different weather? Seems ridiculous, I know.
Kevin kept asking me what was bothering me as my little rut continued, why I was so sad and going about my day with a whole different demeanor than what he’s used to. With tears in my eyes I told him. His response to my meltdown wasn’t what I expected. He stayed calm, seemed to surprisingly understand where I was coming from and his response was “Go.” Stunned, I was almost mad that my husband was giving me the freedom to move to another state, make a way for myself, and see if I found what I was looking for before settling down with kids. He told me he would rather see his wife happy in another state than to keeping me here as if “held hostage.” I told him I was afraid to go because I probably wouldn’t want to come back. To which he said, if you’re going to be happier doing something else, living somewhere else, then who am I to keep you here? WOW. More surprisingly than not, Kevin likes to shock me and he constantly shows his love for me in ways I’ve never seen before. He was willing to let his new bride leave him for months if it meant she would be happier.
After that conversation, I felt guilty, I felt dirty, and felt like there couldn’t have been woman acting so ridiculous than I was in that moment. I was married for goodness sakes! Actually thinking about leaving just to have some sort of self gratification was downright wrong. Let me just point out what the bible says about my behavior:
Proverbs 1: 10-12
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lack nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
(For me acting as I was, I was not being a wife of noble character. Instead of being grateful for everything I had, respecting his decisions, and understanding his hard working character, I was being selfish and not acting as a good wife should. A new wife would never leave her husband’s side especially for self gratification. It made me ponder the effects I was having on my husband. I could tell he was sad I even thought of leaving, I was bringing him harm, and I realized did not like who I was becoming within that week.)
Now let me point something out about my husband’s character and how he was living the way of the word without even knowing:
1 Timothy 5:8
“Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
(Kevin does anything and everything from working 10 hour days five days a week, picking up some plumbing work on the weekends so we can have some extra cash, and working on his masters degree to better himself in providing for our family. Look how ungrateful I can be.)
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
1 Peter 3:7
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
(Kevin clearly loves me and takes anything that means something to me seriously. From opening doors, saying I love you, and something so extreme as giving me the freedom of leaving the state, his love shows everyday. His words are kind and soft no matter how ridiculous I’m being.)
What to take out of this mess of words? I guess what I am trying to learn is to be content, and every time God seems to slam (more like close, I just tend to be a little dramatic when angered) the door on an opportunity it is because He has something bigger and better in store for our lives. It may be that we live in Florida for the rest of our lives, it may be for the fact that we’re needed here right now, that He’s protecting us from a disaster, or that He’s just saying not right now, but the time will come. Whatever the case may be I’m constantly reminding myself that I’m needed here, to be with my husband, friends, and family. Kevin keeps saying, “Our time will come.” Meaning that we will have the chance to see the world, just not right now. So in the meantime I’m reminded to have patience, self control, and put my husband before myself. The verse below constantly gets thrown into my mind and not only am I now content with where I am, but I have this overwhelming sense of peace again and praise Jesus for that. And who knows if I were just to take delight in the Lord, he might just give me the desires of my heart.
“Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”